Champagne Socialist

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Starbucks, Mussolini and Ethiopia

Why are there so many Starbucks? There are three different Starbucks within a 2-mile radius of my house! It's amazing how many people are willing to pay $6 or more dollars for coffee! This is ridiculous. I can't stand going into a Starbucks. I hate their little trendy ways, like the names they use for the different sizes of cups. Of course simply using sizes such as small, medium and large would be too bland and dare I say, even gauche. Hence, they refer to their three sizes as tall, grande and venti. I'd received a few Starbucks gift cards for my graduation last year, and I went in a couple of days ago to get some sort of a beverage. I asked for a medium coffee. The reply: "Sorry sir, that's not one of our sizes. Our sizes our listed above." I looked at the sizes, scoffed sarcastically under my breath, and answered, "I'll have a grande coffee." The three or four little artsy-fartsy nerds working behind the counter all giggled together. I had made perhaps the gravest of grave Starbuckian faux-paxs. In my down to earth Hoosier accent, I had erroneously pronounced grande as "gran-day". The little pests informed me that "it's actually pronounced "grohn-day". I'm sorry, I didn't know that when I walked into a Starbucks I was expected to act and speak as if I was a French bigot with my thumb under my nose and a baguette up my backside.

The little wiesel gave me my coffee. I went to sit down, where I was to behold yet another startling surprise. The other patrons weren't drinking coffee. They were drinking whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles which happened to be lightly laced with a slight trace of a coffee-like substance. I always thought that a cat hair-stylist would be the worst job for me, at least until I saw all this whipped cream. I now know that the absolute worst occupation for me would be working behind the counter at Starbucks, having to lightly and ever so delicately dust the beverages with those cute little adorable chocolate-mocha sprinkles and make puffy, light whipped cream. I think I would go postal within a week.

And what the hell is "venti"? Seriously, what is SOOOO wrong with just calling it large. Or even extra-large, jumbo, gigantic, or some other name I, as a normal American, would recognize. But no, at Starbucks, we must be different and trendy. You're just a square if you don't get what we're talking about. "Venti" is Italian. And no offense to Italians (I love their women, food, and music) but we defeated them in WWII, thus I think we have earned the right to call our drink sizes by their ENGLISH/AMERICAN names. I am NOT going to refer to drink sizes in a language whose people were completely embarrassed by the humble Ethiopians in an attempt to invade them. The Ethiopians and Emperor Haile Selaisse were not pathetic. That's not what I'm suggesting. I'm just saying that as much as Mussolini glorified Italy's strength, power and influence in the world, he should have been able to successfully invade a smaller country.

Venti? Grohn-day? No thanks, I'll stick with my large, small, regular, medium, XX large and juniors. Starbucks can take their little trendy phrases and place them somewhere which would not be appropriate to refer to in a public blog. Folger's and Maxell House unite! Stop the spread of Starbuckianism before it rules us all!


Blogger Anton said...

Why canĀ“t Starbucks use italian names for their coffees?? Because english is the international language?? Do you know that 55% of the language you speak every day comes from the latin, the base of the italian, portuguese, spanish, french and romanian languages?? Try to speak with the other 45 % and you will speak like a 5 year old child...

5:59 PM  

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